Keeping your eye on the ball

In baseball one of the most dreaded pitches is the 'changeup'. Unlike the fastball, it's not feared because of its speed but because of its deception. Stay with me, even if you're not a baseball fan. The dynamics of a fastball are very simple.  The ball is thrown as fast and hard as possible at the catcher's mitt. The idea, of course, is to make it too fast to hit. Simple

The change up, on the other hand differs in two areas; how the ball is delivered and how the batter perceives it. The ball is cradled further back in the hand, making its release slower while still maintaining the look of a fastball. According to various sources, the human eye cannot tell the ball is significantly slower until it’s too near the plate.

I know you’re starting to wonder where I’m going with this.

Now consider the game of life you’re playing every day you go out into the world. You get up in a great mood, full of energy, ready to knock one out of the park. You stand at the plate, ready to deal with the things life tosses you and nail everything it throws, inspiring everyone to do the same.  But there are other times you walk confidently to the plate, dead sure you’re going to make history and hit nothing but air. You swing but still strike out.  Everything gets by you and you walk away, head down, humiliated by your failure.

But this is where my analogy comes in.

What if you start looking at those pitches differently? Wayne Dyer said, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”  Not unlike the changeup, you have to see what’s coming at you for what it really is.  How many times do we think we’re going to fail before we even try? We tell ourselves we don’t have the talent, or intelligence or some other characteristic we deem necessary to succeed at a goal.

My brother, one of my favorite people because he's inspirational in that respect, can take a bad situation, put a completely different spin on it and have me laughing uncontrollably. Like Dyer, he’s always telling me “You just have to see things a little differently.”

Life is unpredictable. Things we don’t expect will come at us every day. They will challenge our resolve, our patience and our focus. But that doesn’t mean we have to strike out.  The most important thing is just to keep your eye on the ball.  Persistence, focus and unrelenting determination can help change the way we see what’s coming at us.

I’ve heard people say “watching baseball is like watching paint dry.” That also could be true for some of the mundane tasks we face every day.  But “when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”  It’s where you stand in the batter’s box that determine what you hit and what you miss.  Stand closer to the catcher, and you’ll see a fastball coming. Stand near the pitcher and you’ll hit those off-speed pitches.  

It’s all about perspective. Alter how you see what’s being thrown at you, keep your eye on the ball and you’ll hit a grand slam.  Like my brother says, “You never know what’s possible until you look at things a little differently.”

Play ball!

She drives me crazy

I hate to admit it, but there are things I've done I'm not proud of.

Some, I still continue to do, even though I know they're wrong.  I don't know why I don't stop but sometimes it seems the more I try, the worse I get.  Sometimes, they're just annoying habits, like tearing at my fingernails or smoking, which I finally quit doing in 2008.  But others involve people.

I'm usually a very easygoing, down-to-earth woman.  Ok, I'm a little compulsive about things, overly emotional and quick-tempered, but for the most part, not much bothers me.  I consider myself a good judge of character and have a track record of near perfect accuracy when it comes to analyzing someone's intentions/ulterior motives. I'm also pretty tolerant of idiosyncrasies, having quite the collection of my own.  But for some reason, some people just make me crazy and turn me into someone I don't like very much.

There's a woman I see every day who absolutely drives me up the wall.  I don't know why, but she brings out the worst in me.  Her voice, mannerisms, habits and even her physical appearance annoy me to no end.  She's never done anything to deserve this exceptionally horrid treatment but I can't seem to help myself.  She's usually a great worker and when she puts her mind to accomplishing something, nothing can stop her.  She's not completely unattractive.  I've heard others tell her she's pretty, yet I cannot bring myself to look her in the eyes and not feel anger just seething inside me.  I can't explain  it.

She had a medical condition that caused significant weight gain and I know she's sensitive about it, but I insist on bringing it to everyone's attention and making her feel ugly. I know she's fixed it and now looks pretty good, but I have little patience with her and when I look at her body, I'm still repulsed by so much of what I see.

She’s not a bad person, most of the time she's very  kind.  Often times I've seen her put her own needs last so others' could have what they wanted.  I know she's experienced some outrageously difficult times throughout her life.  But who hasn't?  She doesn't seem to have much self-esteem.  I've noticed she goes through stages when she seems more assertive and sure of herself but they are always short-lived.  Her inconsistency drives me insane. "

One day I found myself unable to control my anger.  I stared her down and began to yell.

Pick a mood, woman!!  Stop whining and feeling sorry for yourself.  Stop bitching and moaning that you can't do this or that.  Get off your ass and just do it!"

She tried to explain that she really wanted to do just that, but she felt like she was struggling every day against an inner voice that fought every effort and told her she would never be good enough.

For anyone else, I would've tried to understand, but I couldn't understand her.  I would've forgiven a complete stranger for making mistakes, but I couldn't forgive her.As much as I like to help people, I couldn't help her.

She's no different than anyone else and has the same emotions, experiences and the right to make mistakes as everyone. But for some reason I always held her to a higher standard and expected more from her than others. I could forgive anyone's imperfections but hers. I wasn't proud of my actions.
 I wanted to like this woman, so I developed a plan.  I made a point every day to look her in the eyes and tell her she was a beautiful person.  I vowed to try and help her put all her mistakes in the past and reminded myself that mistakes are lessons in disguise that we all make.  They shape who we are and who we are to become.  Oh, it felt like a big lie at first, I'll be honest.  But as each day passed it got easier.  I'm think I'm actually starting to like her a little more.  My anger has subsided for the most part and I've started keeping a list of things she's done that I'm proud of.  Sometimes I even read it to her. I also started taking some medication that seems to help.

I've learned these issues don't have to be permanent.  For some of us they are more work than for others but it is possible to work through them.  I don't hate her like I used to and I can honestly say that now, when I see her looking back at me in the mirror I see, not mistakes, but potential.

I've still got a long way to go, but I really think we're going to be okay.


**Depression and anxiety affect hundreds of thousands every year. There is no magic pill or word you can say to someone who suffers from it. If you've never dealt with it in your life, you will never understand it. Period.
If you know someone who fights the monster, bring your torch and pitchfork, sit by their side and do whatever you can to help fight it off. Just listen, if that's all they need or drag their ass to therapy or some sort of group where they won't feel alone. Prepare for a fight. We get comfortable in our sadness and we almost feel safe there even though we'll tell you we aren't. We shut ourselves in a dark space where we have to speak to no one. It's easier, yet it's torture.
I've dealt with this for nearly 30 years. Therapy, medication, more therapy...nothing makes it go away but some things do quiet it a little. Telling me to "choose to be happy and look on the bright side" will accomplish nothing except to tell me you have no clue what this feels like.
When Robin Williams committed suicide, I took it very, very hard, but not for reasons you might think.
When you're depressed you tell yourself that "when this happens, it'll be better" or "When I have that, or succeed at this," I'll feel better.
Robin Williams had it all. He had the love of millions, money, fame, a loving family and STILL he couldn't fight the demons. To this day, it is so disheartening to know that someone who made others' so happy couldn't perform that miracle on himself. He had what all of us think we need to be happy, yet it still wasn't enough.
  All I can recommend if you know someone who's depressed, is to be there. Always. Even if you're just breathing on the other end of a phone, or sitting in a corner fighting monsters under the bed.
We need you. We need you desperately. You may not be able to stop us from doing whatever we feel we need to do, but we will love you for caring enough to notice us.