Who's in charge

Dear Mother Nature, Father Time, God, The Universe, Buddha, Howie Mandel or whomever is in charge,

I'd like a word with you, preferably in person.  There seems to have been some kind of mix-up lately and I would appreciate if it were straightened out as soon as possible.  You see, as I've slept, it seems someone has slowly been stealing body parts and replacing them with ones that do not function nearly as well.  Oh, I'll admit I didn't notice it at first because it was just little things they took.  For example, I began noticing that the local newspaper and publisher's of my favorite books were using smaller fonts than they used to.  Of course I assumed it was a money saving maneuver.  Smaller print equals less ink usage. Times were tough and everyone was cutting back.  I understood.  I am not an unreasonable woman. I swallowed my pride and bought some reading glasses...you know, to help the economy recover.  I'm a good citizen.

But then, something happened to my scale.  I couldn't explain it, but the damn thing just went crazy and added 30 pounds to my weight.  Now I'm all for American made products, but that scale was obviously defective.  What has happened to pride in craftsmanship?  I think someone needs to haul all the CEO's of American companies into one venue and lecture them about proper production methods and such.  There is no other explanation for an inaccurate scale than shoddy materials. Someone better get a grip on that and correct it right away.

Now, onto the knees. I'm especially frustrated about these old ones I've been given.  They sound weird when I go up steps; making this bizarre crackling sound like walking over a dirt road in work boots.  Not only that, but they hurt all the time and one of your elves or something didn't put them together correctly because they don't work very well.  Sometimes, I'll just be walking along, minding my own business and one of them will just give out like someone tripped me.   If there isn't something for me to catch myself on, I've been known to just grab the nearest person in line and take out a whole checkout line.  It's kind of embarrassing.  Yep, I distinctly remember my own knees and they weren't anything like these.  Mine used to ride a bicycle ten miles a day, hit a softball and run like the wind and even jumped some hurdles and set a record in junior high school.  I appreciate that times are hard for everyone but I'd sure appreciate it if I could have those knees back.  There used to be a time I could do a mean cartwheel.  I was remembering that a couple of weeks ago and since no one was looking, I decided to give it a shot and see if maybe these WERE the knees I used to own. Well, Lord, I can swear to you on the pile of dog poo I landed in that these are definitely NOT mine.  Even the paramedics agreed that I didn't quite nail the maneuver with the precision I used to..and they've been here THREE times to see it!

As far as the rest of me goes, I can't complain too much.  Although I do think it was pretty cowardly for my thyroid to flee a sinking ship, I can't really blame it.  Like Detroit, this location isn't the hot spot it used to be.  There are things growing where they ought not be, things moved from their original location and some stuff I'm not even sure I can identify.  I don't know what you're doing up there, but I think you and Howie need to come down here and explain things. I'll be waiting in the back yard, picking up dog poo.  I think I might try to tackle that cartwheel one more time...

Your friend,
Vicky