What SHE said.."I just KNOW"

My youngest moved back home from Virginia and was living with us while she waited to get into college.  She'd  been gone for a while so one of her friends came to spend the weekend with her.  Both young women are in their early twenties.
 
 Apparently, her new love interest consumed a large portion of her life because I swear that's all she talked about for two days.  On and on she went about what's-his-name this, and what's-his-name that. I thought my head was going to explode.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for sappy, gooey, frequently nauseating young love; I just have limitations as to how much I can take.  (Really...I sat through the movies Twilight & New Moon. If I can handle all that spewing of overly-dramatic-I'll-die-if-I-can't-be-with-you crap, I can handle anything.) You can't have a weak stomach and go see those movies. You'll bring up your lunch.

 As we were driving down the road, with her in the passenger seat, she started yammering on about how she knows "He's the ONE".  Blah, Blah, Blah, she continued on, listing all the plans SHE was making for their future together. When I couldn't stand it any longer, I cleared my throat as loudly as possible, interrupting her incessant chatter.  I heard a quiet giggle from my daughter, who sat unassumingly in the back seat.  She knew what was coming.  She was well aware of her mother's penchant for trying to open a subject up for discussion.  She also knew how bull-headed and short sighted her friend was.  Although an intelligent young woman, she had a reputation for being an immovable rock when it came to her opinions. As far as she was concerned, she was always right. End of discussion.  To me, this attitude was an irresistible invitation. I adore people like that. "Let the games begin", I thought, smirking at my daughter in the rear view mirror.  She smiled, bracing herself for the storm.

"How do you know?", I spouted, stopping her mid-sentence.
She looked at me, dumbfounded that I would interrupt her. "How do I know WHAT?"
I furrowed my brow, putting on my best concerned-parent look.  "How do you know he's the one?"
"I just know," she stated defiantly.
"But HOW do you know." I repeated.
She looked confused. "I don't understand what you mean. I KNOW he's the one I want to be with forever."
"But what makes you say that," I continued.
She was getting tense and fidgety.
"Because I can FEEL it," she insisted, assuming the conversation was over.
I was just getting warmed up.
"Well, WHY do you feel that way?"
She scowled, obviously irritated.  "Because he makes me feel good."
Now, those of you who read my previous post (Perfect advice, yeah right) will know my opinion of someone making you feel good.
"How?" I continued.

She snorted, and I could see the frustration on her face.
"I don't know," she almost yelled, "he just DOES! He's sweet to me and we like a lot of the same things..."
I threw my head back and laughed.
"Ha! You've just described the relationship I have with my mailman, but I don't feel that's grounds to marry him!"
She threw her hands up in the air. "Well, I don't know how to describe it."
"Why not," I probed. " You should. I can give you a list of things I love about my husband and what makes us perfect for each other."
"I dunno," she stammered, "He's cute and nice and...oh, I dunno."
I shook my head disapprovingly.  "You should be able to tell me exactly what it is you love about him, if he really IS the one."
Clearing my throat, I began my list.
"I love that my husband is kind to me, even when my hormones make me a raging lunatic. I love that he is a man who keeps his word if he promises you something.  I love that he loves my daughters and granddaughters as if they're his own.  I love that he always believes in me, even when I don't believe in myself.  I love that seeing the kind of compassionate person he is, makes me strive to be better."
She stared forward in complete silence; a first for her.

I continued. "I love that he knows all my worst traits and loves me anyway. I adore how he makes me laugh, even when I don't want to.  I enjoy how I can't stay mad at him for more than 30 minutes.  I love how, without effort, we immediately become a team when we're faced with adversity."  
She started to speak, but I raised a finger to my lips and shushed her once more.

"These are the things you should know," I instructed. "I may be the queen of divorce, but they've not gone without lessons.  A relationship can't just be about you. Because you're going to be mighty disappointed if that's the only person you're looking out for.  Be prepared to sacrifice, to disagree, argue, laugh, love, cry, struggle and run an entire gamut of emotions..together.  Be ready to occasionally be disappointed in each other.  We're only human, we're not mind readers, it happens.  Don't EVER assume that what you're thinking is what HE'S thinking.  They're hardwired in a completely different manner.  Don't ever sit and stew about something he's done without telling him you're upset.  Chances are, he doesn't even know he did it.  Women are complicated, irrational, emotional, extraordinary creatures. We do so much more than we give ourselves credit for. But one thing we do NOT do is make it easy to live with us."
I looked at her and could tell some of her 'fight' had dissipated but not all.
"KNOW what it is about him that you love and appreciate it every day.  Remind him what you love because whether he admits it or not, he needs to hear it.  And if you ever feel you need to do something different to 'hang on' to a man, then it's time to let him go.  No one who truly loves you will have to be convinced to stay.  There will be no other place they'd rather be than by your side."

She stammered, trying to think of a snappy retort, I'm sure.  
"I just know...", she uttered, staring blankly out the window.
I nodded my head, hoping some of what I said had reached her.
"Okay...just think about it and get back to me," I said.

I glanced at my daughter in the back seat.  She'd heard this speech many times and she was smiling.
Hopefully, for her friend, 'just knowing' will be enough.  I want her to be happy, really I do.  I just thought I could make all those years of huge mistakes useful by teaching someone else what I've learned.  
Who knows if females will listen to me? Maybe I'm old fashioned about some things but I don't think repeated mistakes always make you a moron.  Sometimes, they make you an expert.  

Even Thomas Edison said:  Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Well said, Mr. Edison. 

Perfect Advice (yeah, right)

Is it just me, or is everyone feeling pushed to run their relationships like a small business?  At at doctor's office yesterday, I casually flipped through one of the magazines and found myself getting slightly miffed at the number of "Do this....to find happiness" articles.  Have we really become that pathetic that we have to resort to taking relationship advice from complete strangers?  Do we really feel we can't trust our own instincts regarding how someone inspires us to feel?
 Now, you'll notice I didn't say how someone MAKES us feel, because the only one who ever MAKES us feel anything is, well..us!  We choose to react and in what manner we react.  Sure, others can inspire certain feelings but that doesn't mean we have to allow it. Our emotions shouldn't control us, it should be us in control of them.
 
 Don't get me wrong, I'm no expert on this.  I'm probably the oldest, slowest student enrolled in the course. My emotions ruled my world for many, many years and we're still battling each other for complete control. But I'm gaining ground, I just know it. Now, I'm going to jump around a bit, so bear with me, okay?
    I've wasted the better part of my life letting other people's actions determine my reaction. I've hidden my emotions, my intelligence, my opinions and even my physicality because I feared how I would be interpreted. I feared being categorized and labeled based on first impressions, or worse, inaccurate ones.  I suppose deep down, my inner 'bleeding heart' always wanted to believe that people were decent enough to see past exterior appearances and find the inner truth. Unfortunately, I was partially wrong. A person is decent and forgiving, PEOPLE are cruel and heartless. A single human-being will exhibit compassion, kindness and understanding; all the best things connected with being more highly evolved. Together, we portray an entirely different animal.  I don't know the science behind 'mob mentality' but I've seen and felt the effects of it. In what appears as a struggle for establishing superiority, a crowd can become critical, hateful and even abusive.  Within the setting of a virtual 'feeding frenzy', groups will single out what they perceive as the weakest individual and descend on them as if they're prey to be consumed.

This isn't breaking news, we KNOW this about ourselves. It's been documented and studied. Articles have been published, lectures given and psychoanalytical babble formed around the phenomena. We KNOW how vindictive, jealous and mean we can be as a whole so why on earth would you trust anyone else's advice on how to run YOUR life? EVEN ME!  First of all, you can't expect to find your perfect match if you don't have a clue who YOU are. Do you know yourself?  Have you really sat down in front of a mirror with a paper and pen or a tape recorder and had a heart-to-heart with yourself about what it is that you want?  How can you take positive steps toward your future if you don't know what you're looking for?  Buy yourself a latte and a blueberry scone and plan some steps to get you where you want to be. Find someone who has what you want and learn from them. Most people love to teach and want to tell their success story to someone willing to listen. Just ask. If they say no, look for someone else to ask.  Some doors will close but  in the process, others will open (and they're usually much nicer doors).

Take a long honest look at yourself. I know there are a lot of people out there who, like me, struggle with self-image. We rarely have a kind word to say to ourselves and when we do, it's usually followed by some grim reminder of a past failure.  We flog ourselves on a regular basis and fight to maintain a sense of self-worth.  We gaze at the happy people and long to become one of them, sometimes taking extreme measures to incorporate them into our life. Yet somehow, if  we're especially challenged, we just worry that our attitude is going to ruin them as time passes. ( I know this from experience.  I married one of the happy people and he just mystifies me. His positive outlook is an enigma I struggle to attain. )

But even his appearance in my life didn't happen until I'd decided that I was okay by myself. As the Anti-christ on how to have a successful marriage, I would NEVER give relationship advice.  I've been married four times and I am my husband's third wife.  We are HARDLY the Siskel & Ebert on how to run a relationship.  But we do agree on a few things.

1.  You have to be comfortable and love who you are before you can expect anyone else to do the same.  I once heard the author Lisa Nichols say that she always tries to remember that she is the first example of how she is to be treated.  In other words, people who are just getting to know you may treat you as you treat yourself.  If you're self-depreciating and cruel to yourself, you may inspire them to act accordingly, thus attracting cruel people into your life.  Abusive men/women don't gravitate towards positive, confident individuals, they single out the insecure, vulnerable people. They want someone who can be controlled and manipulated.  A great sense of self will repel that kind of negativity.

2.  If you want to date/marry/cohabititate with someone who is society's idea of perfection, then you better make sure YOU'RE perfect.  Is someone 'perfect' going to think you're good enough?  So let's settle that right away...NO ONE is perfect. Say it with me and know it's true.  The only thing we all are is human (well, as far as I know...but we can delve into those theories another time).  You can not go into a relationship thinking you're going to change them.  Unless you're in possession of a magic wand or some really potent prescription drugs, you aren't going to modify their behavior.  So if there's something about them that drives you into the arms of Jack Daniels, either dump them and move on or learn to accept it.  Read my lips, you can't change someone who doesn't want to change.


3.  Respect, for yourself and your partner. This one's simple.  My husband and I have known each other for almost thirty years but we've only been married for seven, yet we've learned from past mistakes that without mutual respect, there's not much basis for a relationship.  Personally, we couldn't be two more different people.  He's happy, fun-loving and has a dedicated yet sometimes frustrating work ethic.  He'd have to be in a coma or dead before he'd miss work.  But he possesses such an amazing sense of humor while putting you completely at ease, that everyone is drawn to him.  We lovingly joke that 'everyone loves Max'. But they do!  I, on the other hand, lean more towards the critical and worrisome side of life.  Critical of myself and abilities, I am learning from him to see the other side of things.  I believe in spirituality and quantum physics.  I have casual attitudes towards things like bills and little necessities of life because I almost lost a child to cancer and it forever altered my perception of what's important.  He's very pragmatic and responsible so I'm sure my flighty attitude sometimes makes him crazy.  But the bottom line is he supports my every interest.  Even if he thinks I've gone off the deep end, even if he doesn't understand why I choose a particular path, I always have his emotional/physical support.  Yes, we fight, but unlike some of the arguments I've heard from others', we are never disrespectful to each other.  We don't feel the need to call each other names or spew profanity at each other to get our point across.  No matter how different we are, we always respect those differences.  They are, occasionally, the things that make us function at our best.

The biggest factor that's made us successful without having to rely on questionnaires in Cosmo to pull us through, is trust.  I love and trust him implicitly.  We both used to dig through relationships as quickly as Jenny Craig clients at an all-u-can-eat pizza buffet but found ourselves unsatisfied when we got what we thought we wanted.  The void we tried to fill always remained empty.  It wasn't until I'd ended a marriage and resolved to be alright on my own, that he reappeared back in my life.  I wasn't looking for anyone because I had finally come to accept that I could be successful on my own.  Oddly enough, it was eerily similar to a time when my daughter was on life support and I was fighting for her with everything I had.  There came a moment, among the beeping monitors and her labored breathing and remembering the fight she'd had for two years, that I decided to let her go. Ignoring all my brain waves that screamed 'save her', I chose instead, to heed the small, inner whisper that pleaded, "let her go". I can't explain why but it was shortly after that, her condition began to improve.  Her doctors' were (and still are) stumped as to what happened.  Her condition had been deteriorating for 2 weeks and I'd actually been sent in her room to say goodbye but it was like I'd spoken magic words.  She was out of the Intensive Care Unit and home within 7 days of that moment.  It was almost as if someone/something was just waiting for me to stop fighting and trust in what the future held, because once I did, it completely switched gears. With my love life, when I let go of my fear of loneliness, and accepted my future would be great even if I was single, I was sent my perfect partner.

So beware of the magazines and columns that offer the perfect solution to your relationship problems. Read them if you wish, take a few notes but remember that if you want to find your soul mate, first you have to find your own soul.  Get to know that person inside and learn to love them.  Find out what it is you want and be very specific. You'll be amazed at how having a clearly defined goal attracts exactly what or who you want. Then let go of the 'hows' and work on loving yourself. Realize that the only person who can make you happy is the one wearing your skin. Be a good example when you're showing others how to love you. Be good to yourself and others and everyone else should follow suit. And buy yourself a blueberry scone, really, you'll love it.
Give yourself a hug from me.  End of lecture.  I'll step down from my soapbox now.