Now, you'll notice I didn't say how someone MAKES us feel, because the only one who ever MAKES us feel anything is, well..us! We choose to react and in what manner we react. Sure, others can inspire certain feelings but that doesn't mean we have to allow it. Our emotions shouldn't control us, it should be us in control of them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no expert on this. I'm probably the oldest, slowest student enrolled in the course. My emotions ruled my world for many, many years and we're still battling each other for complete control. But I'm gaining ground, I just know it. Now, I'm going to jump around a bit, so bear with me, okay?
I've wasted the better part of my life letting other people's actions determine my reaction. I've hidden my emotions, my intelligence, my opinions and even my physicality because I feared how I would be interpreted. I feared being categorized and labeled based on first impressions, or worse, inaccurate ones. I suppose deep down, my inner 'bleeding heart' always wanted to believe that people were decent enough to see past exterior appearances and find the inner truth. Unfortunately, I was partially wrong. A person is decent and forgiving, PEOPLE are cruel and heartless. A single human-being will exhibit compassion, kindness and understanding; all the best things connected with being more highly evolved. Together, we portray an entirely different animal. I don't know the science behind 'mob mentality' but I've seen and felt the effects of it. In what appears as a struggle for establishing superiority, a crowd can become critical, hateful and even abusive. Within the setting of a virtual 'feeding frenzy', groups will single out what they perceive as the weakest individual and descend on them as if they're prey to be consumed.
This isn't breaking news, we KNOW this about ourselves. It's been documented and studied. Articles have been published, lectures given and psychoanalytical babble formed around the phenomena. We KNOW how vindictive, jealous and mean we can be as a whole so why on earth would you trust anyone else's advice on how to run YOUR life? EVEN ME! First of all, you can't expect to find your perfect match if you don't have a clue who YOU are. Do you know yourself? Have you really sat down in front of a mirror with a paper and pen or a tape recorder and had a heart-to-heart with yourself about what it is that you want? How can you take positive steps toward your future if you don't know what you're looking for? Buy yourself a latte and a blueberry scone and plan some steps to get you where you want to be. Find someone who has what you want and learn from them. Most people love to teach and want to tell their success story to someone willing to listen. Just ask. If they say no, look for someone else to ask. Some doors will close but in the process, others will open (and they're usually much nicer doors).
Take a long honest look at yourself. I know there are a lot of people out there who, like me, struggle with self-image. We rarely have a kind word to say to ourselves and when we do, it's usually followed by some grim reminder of a past failure. We flog ourselves on a regular basis and fight to maintain a sense of self-worth. We gaze at the happy people and long to become one of them, sometimes taking extreme measures to incorporate them into our life. Yet somehow, if we're especially challenged, we just worry that our attitude is going to ruin them as time passes. ( I know this from experience. I married one of the happy people and he just mystifies me. His positive outlook is an enigma I struggle to attain. )
But even his appearance in my life didn't happen until I'd decided that I was okay by myself. As the Anti-christ on how to have a successful marriage, I would NEVER give relationship advice. I've been married four times and I am my husband's third wife. We are HARDLY the Siskel & Ebert on how to run a relationship. But we do agree on a few things.
1. You have to be comfortable and love who you are before you can expect anyone else to do the same. I once heard the author Lisa Nichols say that she always tries to remember that she is the first example of how she is to be treated. In other words, people who are just getting to know you may treat you as you treat yourself. If you're self-depreciating and cruel to yourself, you may inspire them to act accordingly, thus attracting cruel people into your life. Abusive men/women don't gravitate towards positive, confident individuals, they single out the insecure, vulnerable people. They want someone who can be controlled and manipulated. A great sense of self will repel that kind of negativity.
2. If you want to date/marry/cohabititate with someone who is society's idea of perfection, then you better make sure YOU'RE perfect. Is someone 'perfect' going to think you're good enough? So let's settle that right away...NO ONE is perfect. Say it with me and know it's true. The only thing we all are is human (well, as far as I know...but we can delve into those theories another time). You can not go into a relationship thinking you're going to change them. Unless you're in possession of a magic wand or some really potent prescription drugs, you aren't going to modify their behavior. So if there's something about them that drives you into the arms of Jack Daniels, either dump them and move on or learn to accept it. Read my lips, you can't change someone who doesn't want to change.
3. Respect, for yourself and your partner. This one's simple. My husband and I have known each other for almost thirty years but we've only been married for seven, yet we've learned from past mistakes that without mutual respect, there's not much basis for a relationship. Personally, we couldn't be two more different people. He's happy, fun-loving and has a dedicated yet sometimes frustrating work ethic. He'd have to be in a coma or dead before he'd miss work. But he possesses such an amazing sense of humor while putting you completely at ease, that everyone is drawn to him. We lovingly joke that 'everyone loves Max'. But they do! I, on the other hand, lean more towards the critical and worrisome side of life. Critical of myself and abilities, I am learning from him to see the other side of things. I believe in spirituality and quantum physics. I have casual attitudes towards things like bills and little necessities of life because I almost lost a child to cancer and it forever altered my perception of what's important. He's very pragmatic and responsible so I'm sure my flighty attitude sometimes makes him crazy. But the bottom line is he supports my every interest. Even if he thinks I've gone off the deep end, even if he doesn't understand why I choose a particular path, I always have his emotional/physical support. Yes, we fight, but unlike some of the arguments I've heard from others', we are never disrespectful to each other. We don't feel the need to call each other names or spew profanity at each other to get our point across. No matter how different we are, we always respect those differences. They are, occasionally, the things that make us function at our best.
The biggest factor that's made us successful without having to rely on questionnaires in Cosmo to pull us through, is trust. I love and trust him implicitly. We both used to dig through relationships as quickly as Jenny Craig clients at an all-u-can-eat pizza buffet but found ourselves unsatisfied when we got what we thought we wanted. The void we tried to fill always remained empty. It wasn't until I'd ended a marriage and resolved to be alright on my own, that he reappeared back in my life. I wasn't looking for anyone because I had finally come to accept that I could be successful on my own. Oddly enough, it was eerily similar to a time when my daughter was on life support and I was fighting for her with everything I had. There came a moment, among the beeping monitors and her labored breathing and remembering the fight she'd had for two years, that I decided to let her go. Ignoring all my brain waves that screamed 'save her', I chose instead, to heed the small, inner whisper that pleaded, "let her go". I can't explain why but it was shortly after that, her condition began to improve. Her doctors' were (and still are) stumped as to what happened. Her condition had been deteriorating for 2 weeks and I'd actually been sent in her room to say goodbye but it was like I'd spoken magic words. She was out of the Intensive Care Unit and home within 7 days of that moment. It was almost as if someone/something was just waiting for me to stop fighting and trust in what the future held, because once I did, it completely switched gears. With my love life, when I let go of my fear of loneliness, and accepted my future would be great even if I was single, I was sent my perfect partner.
So beware of the magazines and columns that offer the perfect solution to your relationship problems. Read them if you wish, take a few notes but remember that if you want to find your soul mate, first you have to find your own soul. Get to know that person inside and learn to love them. Find out what it is you want and be very specific. You'll be amazed at how having a clearly defined goal attracts exactly what or who you want. Then let go of the 'hows' and work on loving yourself. Realize that the only person who can make you happy is the one wearing your skin. Be a good example when you're showing others how to love you. Be good to yourself and others and everyone else should follow suit. And buy yourself a blueberry scone, really, you'll love it.
Give yourself a hug from me. End of lecture. I'll step down from my soapbox now.
I see a book in your future!! Great read!
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