Cancer & Life Lessons

It was on this day, 18 years ago, a young man named Tom Cotter chose to save my daughter’s life by donating the bone marrow that sent her leukemia into remission.  For the year we waited to meet him, I thought I would easily be capable of expressing my gratitude for his sacrifice. But it wasn't until I actually saw him in person that I realized there are no words, no actions that will ever convey how thankful I was for his selflessness. Without him, she would not be here. Simple as that. It would've been a loss that affected an innumerable amount of lives because, to this day, she reaches something in the hearts of everyone she meets. How do you thank someone for such an incredible gift?  The only conclusion I've come to is that you remember it, every day. You say 'thank you' every day, even if you're saying it aloud to no one but yourself.

       A huge debt of gratitude is also owed to the most amazing women in the world, who somehow, surrounded by sick and dying children, helped me find the ability to laugh in the worst of circumstances. Of all things I believe, the truest is that no stronger human exists than a mother who has buried her child and somehow finds the strength to persevere. I'm amused at the public and media's notion of super hero's nearly all being male because I've seen the real ones in action. They sleep on a 3-foot long hospital bench for months, going without meals because they don't want to eat in front of their constantly vomiting child,( who wants nothing more than to stop long enough to have a cheeseburger).  They endure attitude from other family members who can't understand why they can't still function normally at home (yes, this really happens). They stand toe to toe with doctors, refusing certain treatments because their mother's instincts tell them it's the right thing to do. And they are nearly always right.

     Brittany's leukemia was in remission for nearly 15 months. On a day she was due for a recheck and blood work, everything that could've happened to prevent us from making it to her appointment, happened. But I had a nagging feeling that something wasn't right, even though she showed no symptoms of reoccurrence. The car died, we were very late, and they almost didn't allow us to be seen. However, I was belligerent, as I’d learned to be, and she was checked by the doctor who was in charge of Pediatric Hematology/Oncology. (Who, just for the record, I did NOT like at all)  In his usual dismissive, condescending manner, he assured me that she looked great and urged us to go home and they would call us with the results of her labs. I politely declined and said we'd wait and he rolled his eyes, brushed me off and walked away. An hour later he returned and his face told me what I already knew. The leukemia was back. I hope, among other things that it taught him to never ignore mother's instincts. We can't leap tall buildings, or beat a speeding train but when it comes to that life we created, we know. I don't know how, but we just know. Images of super hero's should not be men in tights and goofy costumes. For one moment, look up and glance at your mom. THAT'S what they really look like. No cape, no silly wardrobe, (well, maybe they still have a silly wardrobe) just that woman who loves you like no one else ever will, no matter what happens.  That's a real super hero.
   Helen, Donna, Cathy & Jodi the memory of your incredible strength and love, along with your children will NEVER leave me.  You are my courage whenever I feel weak. Thank you, thank you for your presence in my life. You have all been such a gift and I am blessed to know you.
  As anyone who is touched by a loved one with cancer will tell you, it is a disease that leaves no one unaffected, especially when the patient is a child. Siblings are often temporarily lost in the shuffle of hospital visits for chemo, radiation and 2 a.m. runs to the emergency room because a temperature above 100.5 signals the beginning of life-threatening infections.
   School activities, dances and football games are replaced by fixation on how many white cells, segs, bands, and other indicators of our child's immunodeficiency are present.  We almost become the scientists we never thought we'd be when we were barely passing Biology in high school. It's amazing what you are capable of learning when the life of someone you love depends on it. But it takes its toll on the other siblings. My oldest daughter, Nicole and step-son, Eric sacrificed so much during our hospital stays. Forced to grow up too soon and handle things I should've been there for, they managed to become wonderful parents to their own children.  Even though I wish their childhood could've been easier, I'm thankful they grew to be the strong and loving adults I prayed they would. I'm extremely proud of them both.
  To Eric's mom, Cathy: I know people are often flabbergasted by our unique relationship (but sometimes that's just fun! Isn't it?) I don't know if I ever thanked you for your care and compassion. It exceeded all my expectations. You are a phenomenal woman. Never forget that. I'll admire you always.
  I can say with absolute certainty that Brittany's leukemia affected thousands of people. Bone marrow drives were held on her behalf by complete strangers. Hundreds were added to the National Bone Marrow donor registry as a result.  Who knows how many lives were saved in the process.  As devastated as I was while it was happening, hindsight has helped me see the positive that spilled out into other areas. There is a unique and strange pattern to the chaos. I will never understand it but I see it.
  I believe Nicole and Eric are the incredible people they are, in part because of their experiences at the hospital. They continue to amaze me with their unique personalities and ability to show compassion for others.
  Brittany continues to touch countless lives, often quietly and one at a time.  Now a nanny to two adorable little boys, she makes sure they experience the joys of childhood that cancer stole from her.  She is a modern day ‘Mary Poppins’ and they adore her.
  All of this, every bit of it, was possible because of a horrible disease, a handsome young man with a giving heart and the most incredible people in the world.  I try to remember that.  When I watch the news and see how horrible we are to each other, I try to keep the miracle of these exceptional human beings in my heart. Some days it's more difficult than others.  But not today.  Today, I am grateful. Exceptionally grateful for all the good in my life.